watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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