Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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