dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
