It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
