The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
