We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
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