i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
