I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
