I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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