i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
this beer tastes like vomit already
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
