so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
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I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
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The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.