just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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