I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
