I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
