I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
