I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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