god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Dignity is for republicans.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
