Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
