I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
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In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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