I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
