Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
