Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
