So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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