I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
