When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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