i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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