i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
