How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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