need another drink. this is the easiest way
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
you had me at cake vodka
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
