I feel great
I just peed on a car
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
