i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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