Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
