I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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