I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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