he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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