plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Damn victory sex feels great
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
