Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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