This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
