I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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