I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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