What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
