i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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