And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
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When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
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I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I supernannyed him into submission
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie