Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.