im drinking this country out of the recession.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
its like you know when i get waxed