and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT