one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
im holly from the hills drunk
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
