I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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