How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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