Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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