There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
