I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
