I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
