God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
