And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Randomize
