Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I understand Curling. That high.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
